For sale: one mentally deficient cat

Our cat, Chester, is a total nut. We have had him in our home for nearly six years and he still acts like he just got out of the pound. We originally rescued him from the pound, so we don’t know anything about his history, and at first, we totally expected him to act crazy and afraid.

Six years later and he still acts exactly the same way as he did the first week we had him. This cat is totally mental. He’s afraid of EVERYTHING: air, the sound of his food hitting the bowl, wind, air, me, Freddie, Jillian, the TV, air, you name it. The cat is insane.


Our home is not decorated in what you’d call a “style.” We only just got past the post-college-desperation look, where all the furniture was inherited and nothing went with anything. Now we have some things that look nice together and the place looks a little less like a dorm.

Next to our couch, we have a small glass-topped table that we acquired somewhere. I can’t remember who gave it to us, but it’s ugly as hell. It serves its purpose, though, and lives between the couch and the chair so I have someplace to put my candy dish. Next to this table is the floor lamp, which I actually like.

Well, until now. Now I hate the lamp almost as much as I hate that ugly-ass table. I hate the lamp because it tried to kill my kid today.

See, Chester was checking out the baby toys down in the living room while Jillian and I were practicing going up and down the step that separates the living room and dining room. Something happened to scare the cat (he probably got a glimpse of his own tail and was all “OH SHIT! WHAT’S THAT?”) and his fat self tried to dart between the couch and chair to escape.

His plan was foiled when his fat self got entangled in the scrolly-like legs of the table, causing it to fall over, causing the HEAVY GLASS TOP of it to fall off and crash into the lamp, which then fell over, nearly crushing the baby.

It’s a good thing I’m SuperMom because I scooped Jillian up and out of harm’s way.

Can’t say the same for the lamp, however. The faux-stained-glass shade on the lamp got mushed as it hit the carpet and the post on which the lampshade sat was pulled out of its moorings, thus stripping the bolt that secured it.

I’m sure with a little Gorilla Glue and time I could hillbilly-engineer it back, but the shade is messed up and I just don’t want to look at it. SIGH.

I called Freddie at work to see if he would authorize the purchase of a new lamp and if I should get a matching one to replace the table lamp, too, but he’s busy today and not picking up the phone. We always discuss purchases like this, but I might just make an executive decision if he doesn’t call me back before we go out.

So I’m all jittery now, due to the near-crushing of the baby (the lamp wouldn’t have crushed her – it would have probably hit her shoulder and pissed her off but STILL), the cat is upstairs hiding under the bed shedding like a yak because he’s all freaked out, and Jillian is napping peacefully.

1 Comment

Filed under Chester, House, Jillian

One Response to For sale: one mentally deficient cat

  1. leabee

    too bad i already have 2 mentally deficient cats…