Idiot superhero


I am retarded.

I went for a nice quick run/walk through the neighborhood this morning. It was lovely. Then I changed clothes (I won’t shower until I’m done being sweaty for the day), gathered up my shopping bags and list, and headed out the door….

With my keys locked in the house!!

Since I am anti-cellphone, my phone was also in the house. Freddie was long-gone on his way down the shore, and is the only other person who has a key.

I was locked out. Again. This has happened before, but Freddie was on his way home so it was no biggie. This time? Hmmm. Uh oh.

So. Even though I’ve locked myself out before, I never seemed to get around to putting a key outside, and I was feeling really stupid for about thirty seconds.

Then I noticed that one of our bedroom windows was open. Could I break into my own house? I’m sure I could. However, the windows are small and placed rather high (like 7 feet from the ground) and I am big and not nearly strong enough to rock the kind of pull-up it would take to hoist my fat ass through the window.

So what’s a chubby girl to do? I’ll tell you. I took one of the patio chairs and stood on it. Hmm. Still not quite tall enough. Then I spotted the solution! Our patio set came with footstools, so I piled one of them onto the chair and it seemed like it would be enough.

Good thing the screen wasn’t locked – I stuck a thumb under it and raised it up!

Keep in mind that the window opening is roughly 24 inches wide by about 12, MAYBE 14 inches high. And I am not a small lady. I have tendonitis in BOTH wrists, which means I can’t support a lot of weight on my hands. And I have a lot of weight to support, yo.

On top of this, I am NOT athletic, and I spent all day yesterday hoeing up my garden, hauling bags of topsoil and generally trying to kill myself. I AM SORE.

But, with grace born of desperation, I hauled my fat ass up through the window, managed to reach the dresser (so I didn’t have to fall on my face – a reasonable fear), and got in the house with very little injury. I am absolutely amazed that I didn’t break the window or my leg or anything else!

I closed AND LOCKED the window, got my keys, and headed out. Now I think I need a nap because that’s enough adventure for one day, wouldn’t you say?

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