Meh

Oh, hi, blog. I’ve been neglecting you, I know. It’s okay. The thing is, this was a place where I could write about my ‘issues’ and my petty grievances and all that stupid inconsequential shit that riles me up from day to day. I felt safe enough, even though I’m totally retarded and publish under my own, real name. Whoops.

I don’t feel safe doing that here anymore, thanks to a small group of giant flaming assholes who can and will use anything I say here against me. Of course, I don’t know this for sure, because nobody has ever, ever, ever approached me about whatever problems they have with what I’ve written in the past. So I can’t be sure, I can only guess. And given that Those People haven’t spoken to me in nearly three years (not a word! Not ONE!), my guess is pretty fucking accurate.

And you know what? Fuck those people. Cowards. I have no time and even less energy to devote to managing other people’s reactions to me. I’ve done it a lot more over the last few years than I ever have in my entire life and it’s unpleasant for me, so I’m going to stop doing it.

In other news, I’m not feeling so hot lately. I feel like my anxiety is getting out of control again, and it’s frustrating because I KNOW it’s happening yet I don’t know what to do about it. I see myself doing (or not doing, as the case may be) things that are a direct result of being anxious/depressed and it sucks because I can’t seem to turn it around. Which is frustrating, which leads to more anxiety. It’s a carnival, to be sure.

Part of it is that my job, as Mama, head chef, chief maid, logistics manager, mechanic, appointment scheduler, taxi service, laundress, et al is starting to feel a hell of a lot like WORK. Before, it was no thang because anything that allows me to avoid getting up and going to an office to work with idiots is Fine By Me. I’ll do a lot of things before I willingly go back to work at a ‘real’ job. But this mommy gig didn’t feel like work. Until recently.

Now, I know what’s going on here. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months, courtesy of the canine child, who gets up anytime between 5 and 7, though usually closer to 5. That’s unacceptable to me, but she’s so cute, it’s hard to hate her. Then there’s the other child, who seems to have given up napping. Sigh. She has also recently taken a step back in potty training, and is currently in Time Out for peeing her pants for the third time today. I no longer have the desire to make her pee where she’s supposed to, so in Time Out she sits. I just don’t care.

In short, I need a break. I don’t get much downtime these days, and my temperament is such that I need a LOT of it. I’m sure this will all pass (it’s not even PMS week) but while I’m in the middle of it, it fucking sucks.