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I’m thinking really hard about shutting the blog down. I just don’t feel free to write here anymore, and I am thinking about going back to being anonymous so I can really let fly. There are folks out there who read my blog and feel as though it’s their right to hold anything and everything I say over my head for some unfathomable reason.

I understand it completely. I have taken steps to block those folks but I don’t really feel like that should be necessary. Indeed, it’s probably not even all that effective since I’m sure there are ways around or over any walls I erect. Sigh.

Because of that and a few other things, I just don’t feel free here like I used to. And that saddens me.

Still kicking. Had a dream last night that I was in a triathlon (so, more like a nightmare). Scary stuff. I am considering the idea, but only because there is a triathlon at Cedar Point, which would really be bringing my life full-circle. Not this year. Maaaaaaybe next year.

I’m not sure what it is that I lack. Motivation, certainly is one thing, but there’s something bigger that is keeping me from just getting it done. Maybe because the whole process seems so big and impossible.

I’ve been trying to make small changes, then. Small changes in the way I eat. Small changes in the way I move. Small changes eventually add up.

Freddie has been having trouble too, but I don’t know what to do to motivate him. I’ve tried any number of things with little success. Oh well - I suppose it’s his journey and he’ll have to navigate it, just as I need to navigate my own.

Will start swimming in a couple of weeks. Am going to get over myself and join a class and have someone try to kill me in the pool a few nights a week. At the same time, I hope to refine my stroke, build endurance, and all that jazz. Soon.

It’s not all bad, though. I’m not losing a lot in the way of poundage, but my clothes fit differently and that’s a start.

Also - Hanes has a style of undies that guarantee to be wedgie-free… AND THEY WORK. Love them. I’ve been plagued by underwear trying to crawl up my ass ALL MY LIFE and Hanes has finally fixed the problem. High-five. Or low-five, as the case may be.

I wonder what Squeaky Fromme will do now that she’s ‘free.’ Apparently she was granted parole for good conduct or whatever the hell they call it, but the AP rundown of her prison career doesn’t read like that of a model inmate. Weirdness.

All that Manson Family stuff happened six years before I was born, but I have always found the story fascinating. That kind of killing is always fascinating in a morbid way, but the circus that surrounded it all is where my attention has always gone. From the protests outside the courtroom to the protests INSIDE the courtroom, all of that is just so amazing to me.


Especially now, where the news cycle is soooo short - I wonder how it would have all played out had it happened in 2009 and not 1969. We would have had live feeds from Sharon Tate’s house, leaked cell-phone images of the crime scene, up-to-the-second Twitter feeds, the whole mess. Would that make it more or less horrible?

I am a ridiculous person.

Something’s missing. I don’t know what it is, but there is a void somewhere here and I need to close this gap.

Been writing. It’s all shit. Will never ever see the light of day. I don’t know if writing is helping to fill or expand the void. It’s the weirdest feeling.

I increasingly feel that I don’t belong here. Wherever “here” is. Most of the time, I think it’s New Jersey and I don’t belong here. I’ve lived here 10 and a half years and it still doesn’t feel like home to me. I wonder if it ever will. But sometimes that’s not it. Sometimes I just feel out of place in my LIFE, never mind my location. I wonder if that’s the vast well of untapped potential kicking me in the shins. Probably.

Wouldn’t it be funny if the thing that’s missing from my life is some kind of gainful employment? I don’t think the universe would be punishing me in that way, though.

I just feel so restless.

Something’s missing.

Gotta find it.