Category Archives: Musing

Jason Good just wrote “Day 365.” He blogged every day for a year. A. YEAR.

I don’t even brush my teeth every day. But sometimes I brush them five times in one day, so I think it evens out.

I’d like to write a blog post every day for a year. However, I have some censorship issues related to publishing under my own name (big hello to my non-family who I’m sure still read this stupid thing, hoping I’ll out myself as a dick, AGAIN), and I feel slightly fettered when it comes to just WRITING. I know people are reading this who know me (or THINK they do) and… I dunno.

It’s probably telling that I have no problems whatsoever with sharing the most embarrassing things in my life, but it’s easier somehow to do it in front of a group of people than it is to write it on a blank page that will be seen by maaaaybe three actual people and perhaps a really smart gerbil.

I need to get over that. I need to JUST WRITE, with no audience in mind. Is that easy?

Should I try? I mean, I find myself utterly fascinating, but can I be fascinating for a whole year (plus one day because fuck it’s Leap Year)?

I’ll give it a think tomorrow and maybe we’ll see Monday become my own “Day 1.”

Happy New Year!

I’m not usually a big fan of making resolutions. Why set myself up for failure, right? So I generally don’t attempt to say “I will” or “I won’t” when it comes to the first day of the year.

However.

There are some changes that need to be made, and so I have actually made a resolution.

I will stop wasting my time. Period. That’s it, that’s all. There are plenty of things and people upon whom I lavish time and attention they do not warrant. I’m simply going to stop doing that. I’m sure it will take a bit of work, given my incredible laziness and general pattern of outsmarting myself, but that’s it, in a nutshell. I will stop wasting my time.

I only got out of bed this morning because I had to pee. As I pulled on my Comfy Pants and customary long-sleeved t-shirt (not gym clothes, because those are currently all in the dryer, which is all the way in the basement and beyond my capabilities at 6:30AM) and socks, I realized that everything I was wearing is a shade of grey.

Like the weather. Like my mind. Like my mood.

The Grey is something I fight against all the time. It’s easier in the summer, when there is sun and warmth and I can wear my sandals and drive around with the windows down, but it never really goes completely away. I’ve been told that it never will, and the best I can do is fight it and force it back into the tiny corner of my mind where such things live.

So that’s what I do. For a long time, I used medication to keep The Grey at bay. That was moderately successful, but expensive and riddled with a series of side effects that were, more often than not, the root cause of The Grey in the first place (sleeplessness, weight gain, etc). One side effect of one of the more interesting medications I was on was ‘mood swings.’ Are you fucking kidding me? MOOD SWINGS as a side effect of a drug that I’m taking to HELP ME WITH MY MOOD SWINGS?

Oh, pharmaceutical industry. You so crazy.

The last drug I was on was designed to ‘even me out.’ No more of the high highs and low lows! No more emotional rollercoaster! That was fine, for awhile. I wasn’t bursting into tears every five minutes or getting homicidal every half-hour, but I wasn’t laughing much, either. I could have gone on like that indefinitely (since the alternative was scary) but I got knocked up instead.

Don’t ever quit your SSRIs cold-turkey. It’s very unpleasant.

I’m sure I’ve written about it before, but pregnancy hormones chilled me right the fuck out. Or maybe they didn’t – could be that I was just so tired and distracted, I didn’t have time for The Grey to settle on me. Once Jillian was born, I KNOW for sure that I was exhausted, but it was all okay.

And it has been more or less okay for the past 5 years now. I feel like I’ve risen to the challenge of parenting and acquitted myself very well. I know for certain sure that I’m a far better parent than anyone ever expected me to be!

But The Grey is still there.

Maybe it’s because I’m older now, or I am smarter, or wiser, or some other thing, but The Grey is a lot weaker than it once was. It could very well be that I have better things to do with my time than sit around and be depressed. Could be that I’m just better at pushing it back to where it belongs. I don’t know for sure. If I did, I’d write a book about it.

I don’t know why I’m writing about this today, of all days. Everything is going swimmingly, all things considered. Everyone in the family is happy and healthy and we aren’t dealing with any more than the usual stresses of a regular family. We have more than enough of everything (except warm weather, but that can’t be helped). I guess it’s been awhile since I checked in with my brain. Everything is shipshape, brain! Keep up the good work!

I have a lot to write about and the ideas are happening, but the sitting down and doing the writing bit is not working for me today. I feel restless, which is never good, and I can’t seem to focus on anything. I am looking for an underlying reason but can’t find one since everything is more or less shipshape/normal.

That right there might be the problem.

Mondays are usually tough. Because I don’t hit the gym on weekend days, there is a bit of an endorphin deficit in my brain, which contributes to the bleh feelings. I know this. I should get to the gym on weekend days but there is just Too Much To Do on Saturdays and Sundays that can’t get done during the week, so the gym gets pushed away.

That will change, I know, but at the moment – especially with the holidays looming – it’s hard to get the time.

I’ll feel better after I get back from the gym. Right now I’m even boring myself.