Tag Archives: kitchen

Never again. NEVER.

My house is a wonderful place, full of noise and dog hair and weird smells (most of which emanate from the cat). We bought it in October of 2007 and did a partial renovation in 2010. We should have included the kitchen. Alas.

The kitchen was supposedly renovated in 2004 by the previous owners. If that is indeed true, they did the shittiest renovation job IN THE HISTORY OF THE GODDAMNED WORLD and if I ever get my hands on either of them, I am going to choke them out, full stop. Sure, they likely DID put new appliances in but I’m absolutely certain they straight-up ignored them after that because the amount of dog hair and filth I cleaned off of these things after we moved in had to be seen to be believed. It was fucking disgusting and I spent a long time being mad at it. I’m still mad at it. It was THAT BAD.

Turns out, when you neglect your shit, IT BREAKS. I have had the fridge repaired twice and the oven repaired THREE TIMES and IT STILL DOESN’T FUCKING WORK CORRECTLY. The dishwasher caught on FIRE one time. My kitchen is definitely on the highway to the Danger Zone, if not the ACTUAL Danger Zone. It’s not for the faint of heart.

Over the past six years, these are all things I have learned to live with. A full kitchen renovation (DONE RIGHT) just isn’t in the budget at the moment so we make do. And I know we are far better off than a lot of people so I know that this sounds like a whole lot of Very Special Whining but if you ask, I will tell you exactly how many fucks I give about that.

(hint: Less than zero)

So earlier today I was either abducted by aliens or I had finally reached the end of my patience with this thing and I decided to clean the oven. It has a self-cleaning feature, but WOULDN’T YOU KNOW, the locking mechanism on both oven doors is busted. FUCK THAT SHIT. I spent about three seconds yelling at it before I hightailed it to Target and bought me some goddamned Easy-Off. CHEMICALS FOR THE WIN. That shit contains LYE. I’d avoided doing this before because I have been trying to natural-remedy this household but 9 times out of 10, “natural” cleaning products are more work than they are worth. Give me Big Corporate Cancer Chemicals any day, man.

I sprayed the insides of both ovens and waited 20 minutes. Then I strapped on my fancy-ass long kitchen glove situation and got down to scrubbing. HOLY FUCKING GROSSNESS, BATMAN. Never again. My hope is that I will be able to replace this bitch before it needs to be cleaned again because fuck that shit right in the face. I am never doing that again.

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