Category Archives: Musing

Wading Through Oatmeal


This 366 posts in 2012 thing isn’t going so well, is it?

No, it is not. And that’s down to me. I am completely uninspired at the moment and I don’t know what the cure is.

Don’t feel like writing.

Don’t want to knit, even though my project is going swimmingly.

Been re-reading books because I can’t get inspired to start something new.

Can I blame it on the rain weather? Not this year! This has been a super-mild winter, for which I am thankful. I see the sun most days, and we’ve had but a wee bit of snow and it hasn’t been that cold.

We could blame it on my knees, which hurt all the time now.

Perhaps I should make a list. I like lists!!

Projects! (The exclamation point makes it cheerful, no?)

1. Seriously, and for real this time, clean out the damn basement. Our town will start picking up what they call “bulk trash” in March, which means we can get rid of things like icky old rugs and random bits of plywood that live in the basement.

2. Plan the garden.

3. Play my guitar. It’s been roughly 6 years since I picked up the guitar, and it’s just sitting there on it’s stand, looking all sad. I’m sure I have a half-hour every day in which to work on it. Maybe I’ll even start taking lessons again.

4. Write more. I try – I open up the “ongoing” document that holds all my ramblings but then my brain just clicks off and refuses to cooperate. Of course, right as I’m about to drift off to sleep or when I’m in the shower or the car or something, the brain lights up like the Strip in Vegas and starts throwing out ideas faster than I can pay attention. Stupid brain, you are working against me!!!

5. I need to do something artistic. Even if that only means I need to paint the bathroom (which I would like to do).


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Jason Good just wrote “Day 365.” He blogged every day for a year. A. YEAR.

I don’t even brush my teeth every day. But sometimes I brush them five times in one day, so I think it evens out.

I’d like to write a blog post every day for a year. However, I have some censorship issues related to publishing under my own name (big hello to my non-family who I’m sure still read this stupid thing, hoping I’ll out myself as a dick, AGAIN), and I feel slightly fettered when it comes to just WRITING. I know people are reading this who know me (or THINK they do) and… I dunno.

It’s probably telling that I have no problems whatsoever with sharing the most embarrassing things in my life, but it’s easier somehow to do it in front of a group of people than it is to write it on a blank page that will be seen by maaaaybe three actual people and perhaps a really smart gerbil.

I need to get over that. I need to JUST WRITE, with no audience in mind. Is that easy?

Should I try? I mean, I find myself utterly fascinating, but can I be fascinating for a whole year (plus one day because fuck it’s Leap Year)?

I’ll give it a think tomorrow and maybe we’ll see Monday become my own “Day 1.”

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Filed under Me Me Me, Musing

All Is Quiet

Happy New Year!

I’m not usually a big fan of making resolutions. Why set myself up for failure, right? So I generally don’t attempt to say “I will” or “I won’t” when it comes to the first day of the year.


There are some changes that need to be made, and so I have actually made a resolution.

I will stop wasting my time. Period. That’s it, that’s all. There are plenty of things and people upon whom I lavish time and attention they do not warrant. I’m simply going to stop doing that. I’m sure it will take a bit of work, given my incredible laziness and general pattern of outsmarting myself, but that’s it, in a nutshell. I will stop wasting my time.

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Filed under Me Me Me, Musing

Like the Weather

I only got out of bed this morning because I had to pee. As I pulled on my Comfy Pants and customary long-sleeved t-shirt (not gym clothes, because those are currently all in the dryer, which is all the way in the basement and beyond my capabilities at 6:30AM) and socks, I realized that everything I was wearing is a shade of grey.

Like the weather. Like my mind. Like my mood.

The Grey is something I fight against all the time. It’s easier in the summer, when there is sun and warmth and I can wear my sandals and drive around with the windows down, but it never really goes completely away. I’ve been told that it never will, and the best I can do is fight it and force it back into the tiny corner of my mind where such things live.

So that’s what I do. For a long time, I used medication to keep The Grey at bay. That was moderately successful, but expensive and riddled with a series of side effects that were, more often than not, the root cause of The Grey in the first place (sleeplessness, weight gain, etc). One side effect of one of the more interesting medications I was on was ‘mood swings.’ Are you fucking kidding me? MOOD SWINGS as a side effect of a drug that I’m taking to HELP ME WITH MY MOOD SWINGS?

Oh, pharmaceutical industry. You so crazy.

The last drug I was on was designed to ‘even me out.’ No more of the high highs and low lows! No more emotional rollercoaster! That was fine, for awhile. I wasn’t bursting into tears every five minutes or getting homicidal every half-hour, but I wasn’t laughing much, either. I could have gone on like that indefinitely (since the alternative was scary) but I got knocked up instead.

Don’t ever quit your SSRIs cold-turkey. It’s very unpleasant.

I’m sure I’ve written about it before, but pregnancy hormones chilled me right the fuck out. Or maybe they didn’t – could be that I was just so tired and distracted, I didn’t have time for The Grey to settle on me. Once Jillian was born, I KNOW for sure that I was exhausted, but it was all okay.

And it has been more or less okay for the past 5 years now. I feel like I’ve risen to the challenge of parenting and acquitted myself very well. I know for certain sure that I’m a far better parent than anyone ever expected me to be!

But The Grey is still there.

Maybe it’s because I’m older now, or I am smarter, or wiser, or some other thing, but The Grey is a lot weaker than it once was. It could very well be that I have better things to do with my time than sit around and be depressed. Could be that I’m just better at pushing it back to where it belongs. I don’t know for sure. If I did, I’d write a book about it.

I don’t know why I’m writing about this today, of all days. Everything is going swimmingly, all things considered. Everyone in the family is happy and healthy and we aren’t dealing with any more than the usual stresses of a regular family. We have more than enough of everything (except warm weather, but that can’t be helped). I guess it’s been awhile since I checked in with my brain. Everything is shipshape, brain! Keep up the good work!

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Filed under Me Me Me, Musing

Giving Thanks – Day Whatever

I stopped writing a post for every day of the month. Mostly because I’m a hardcore slacker and I’ll never change, but also because some of the things for which I am most thankful can’t really be put into words. Also also, there are some things for which I am extremely grateful that WILL NOT be shared with the general public because a) I will get in serious trouble with various people [haha]; b) those things are MINE and MINE ALONE; and c) people who already think I’m insane will then have actual, written proof, and nobody needs that.

So let’s just say that I am working very hard feel gratitude for ALL the great things and people in my life and leave it at that. I’m happy, I’m healthy, I have a fantastic happy healthy family that I love to bits, and there are people who know me very well and love me anyway. I don’t know that I want anything more than that.

Except perhaps a lottery win. Not a greedy huge one, just a few million (after taxes) to pay off debts and mortgages and shit. I have a plan. I only need 6 million dollars.

Okay, I’d also like a left knee.

Life is pretty fucking great. There are times when everything sucks hairy donkey balls, but overall, everything is pretty awesome. I’ve learned to accept certain challenges, but more importantly, I’ve learned to get out of my own way. I wish more people could figure out how to do that.

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I am trying to write. Not here, but in my super-secret password-protected Word document that houses what might, someday, become my novel. Maybe. If I ever get something written that I would actually show to people. That doesn’t seem likely from where I’m sitting right now.

While I am a big fan of the brainstorm/stream-of-consciousness method of just getting it out there, I have trouble actually putting that into practice. Intellectually, I know that a good story doesn’t just spring forth from one’s imagination, fully formed and ready to go. It takes work and revision and honing and polish.

And patience.

Which I have little of.

So, it’s hard. I find myself writing one section and barreling along nicely, then the brain simply decides to shift gears and write a completely different, not-yet-related section. It’s jarring! I don’t like it! I know very well that I can cut and paste and rearrange to my heart’s content, but knowing and doing are two very different things.

I’m just frustrated today, because I have SO much that I want to write and I can only type 80 words per minute. It’s like the whole thing wants to come out at once and the parts that have to wait their turn get all pissed off and go away by the time I’m finally ready for them.

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Hitting the Wall

I have a lot to write about and the ideas are happening, but the sitting down and doing the writing bit is not working for me today. I feel restless, which is never good, and I can’t seem to focus on anything. I am looking for an underlying reason but can’t find one since everything is more or less shipshape/normal.

That right there might be the problem.

Mondays are usually tough. Because I don’t hit the gym on weekend days, there is a bit of an endorphin deficit in my brain, which contributes to the bleh feelings. I know this. I should get to the gym on weekend days but there is just Too Much To Do on Saturdays and Sundays that can’t get done during the week, so the gym gets pushed away.

That will change, I know, but at the moment – especially with the holidays looming – it’s hard to get the time.

I’ll feel better after I get back from the gym. Right now I’m even boring myself.

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Filed under Me Me Me, Musing

Giving Thanks – Day 3

Today I am giving thanks for my mom. She and I have been through a bit of shit and we had some rocky years, but now that I’m older and a lot less wiser than I ever thought I was, Ma and I get along great.

She was there for me when Freddie’s family was acting shitty to me, even before I was awful about them in print. She was there when my wedding almost didn’t happen, and when we decided to have a 2nd reception in Ohio and the venue cancelled on us, she went to our second-choice venue in her jammies and wrote out a damn check so we could have a party. She also suggested that we end it at 10 instead of 11 so we could all go to the bar, which we did. Going to the bar in my giant wedding dress is one of my favorite memories of all time.

She was there when things in my marriage got a little crazy. She listened and sympathized and sat there saying “yeah, that’s right!” while I ranted. She never tried to fix it all, but she listened and let me rant until I ran out of steam and figured out the solutions on my own.

Ma has really blossomed as a grandmother. She and The Jillian are two peas in a pod and they have a pretty special bond that gives everyone involved a lot of joy. I have been lucky enough to be fairly close to both of my grandmothers, but I never had the kind of relationship with either of them that my mom and Jillian have with each other. That’s probably a numbers game, though.

I wish Ma lived closer to us, though. It’s only 400 miles or so but as she gets older it will be tougher for her to make that drive as often as we would all like. The offer is open for her to come live with us when the time comes (yeah, that’s “when” not “if” and I’d be well pleased if it were sooner rather than later), but she’s a stubborn sort of person and will probably have to be forcibly removed from her crumbling Castle Boring.

Still, it’s nice to have a Nana who is unencumbered enough that she can fly around the country with us. How else would we have been able to see Phish’s Miami NYE run in 2009, or get through an Ironman in Idaho, or best yet – without Nana, we wouldn’t have been able to hang out in a freaking CASTLE in freaking SCOTLAND. We owe Nana quite a debt for that alone.

I hear other women complain about their mothers and I am so very thankful that mine is so awesome.

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It’s bad when PMS and Halloween coincide. The normal urge to EAT ALL THE THINGS can sometimes be diverted toward fruit or smoothies or something that is at least organic, but with the giant bag of Jillian’s Halloween candy sitting right there, well, that’s some kind of spiritual test, right there.

So far I have been able to restrain myself, but it’s only been about 18 hours since the candy arrived, so I’m not going to throw myself a parade just yet.

I did do some pre-emptive work at the gym so I will be justified in eating a few pieces of candy later. JUST A FEW.

The gym was fine – I got on the elliptical and did my half-hour and the knee feels just “okay” and not great. I’m still hyperextending it a bit which is worrisome, but I think more weight lifting will fix that up in time. I hope so, anyway.

After having spent the last two weeks moderately sick, I think I’m on the mend for real this time. Last week, my highest heart rate was pushing 170 at times which is REALLY high even when I’m pushing really hard. Today it was more like 150, which is more normal and less alarming. I was sweating buckets, though. That is unusual but I think I’m just working through some stuff, plus beer happened over the weekend which always causes the sweats for a day or two after. AND PMS hormone bullshit makes me sweatier than normal. So I’m feeling pretty good, but also pretty fucking gross.

Sexy, right?

In other news, the new class session is starting up soon and I will be signing up for the swimming whatsit. There’s a Masters Swim but I don’t think that’s going to be the one for me. I swim fairly well but I am horribly inefficient and I think the actual swim class thingy will be the thing.

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Filed under Me Me Me, Musing, Triathlon

Nobody loves me

Seriously why didn’t anyone alert me to the existence of Jason Good? Is it because you don’t want me to be happy? IS THAT IT?

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Filed under Musing, Other People