Category Archives: Me Me Me

I’m only human. I know I said I would write every day in 2012 but right now the urge is just not there. I don’t have anything to say. I don’t want to talk about anything. I don’t want to DO anything.

I need to build a blanket fort, I think.

I am disabled. It sucks to have to write that out, but it’s the truth. I am hard-of-hearing (officially) and will likely be 90% deaf by the time I’m 50. Doesn’t that sound fun? <<--HAHAHA Do you see what I did there? On the one hand, it's not all that bad. There are thousands of life's tiny annoyances that don't even register with me: other people's cell phones, alarm clocks, microwave beeping, etc. I can't hear any of those things. On the other hand, I can't hear things like smoke alarms, my own cell phone ringing, the teapot whistling, or birds. I miss being able to hear birds. Having an invisible disability of this type sucks rancid hyena nuts. If it were something obvious, there would be so much less explanation happening in my life. Whenever I meet someone new or hang out with a new gang of people, there is always a quick heads-up explanation of why I have to be Creepy Staring Girl and a warning of what happens when I've had enough alcohol that I stop trying to figure out what you've actually said and start answering to what I heard. That's always a good time, but there is a streak of squirmy discomfort that underlies the whole thing. I hate it. When I'm at a restaurant, I automatically look to Freddie to "interpret" what the waiter is saying. This is especially bad in places we've never been to before or places that are very dark. It's one of the major reasons why I tend to order the same thing every time - I already know what follow-up questions the waiter is going to ask, and therefore I don't need to glance at Freddie and/or answer a completely different question than what was asked of me. That happens WAY more often than I'd like. So I order the same things, usually. It's just safer. Going out with friends can be excruciating. I always try to take a moment early on in the evening to remind people that I Cannot Hear You and I Will Stare At Your Face because I am pretty good at reading lips. I've had to acquire that particular parlor trick to hide the fact that if I can't see your face, I likely have no fucking clue what you've said. Watching TV can be problematic. I have gone off on terrible rants when the closed-captioning is fucked up and/or non-existend (Breaking Bad DVDs, I'm looking at you). I wrote a horrible screed to Netflix because for whatever reason, when you stream a movie or TV show through our Blu-Ray player, subtitles aren't available. HOW IRRITATED AM I? Through the iPad or the Wii, it's no problem. But through the Blu-Ray? Nope. Fuck off, Blu-Ray. Or Netflix. Whomever is responsible for that horrible oversight can get fucked right in the ear. If I were given three wishes, you can bet your left arm that my #1 wish would be to get my hearing back.

I scheduled the MRI for my knee for tomorrow afternoon. The list of questions I had to answer just to schedule the appointment was astonishing, but I suppose they have to be extra-thorough so as not to have people exploding and stuff.

It should be interesting, as I’ve never had an MRI before. I’ve had x-rays and ultrasounds and EKGs and EEGs and a CAT scan, but never anything so fancy as this. I hope it gives the doctor something to look at so we can get some answers about why my knee hurts ALL THE TIME and then we can fix it!

The ladies at the radiology place were MILES more pleasant than the bitches at the doctor’s office. You see? NOT DIFFICULT.

So, if something goes wrong, all I ask is that I get superpowers out of the deal. Let’s cross our fingers, okay?

I hate people, as a group. I love and enjoy many individual persons, but you get a bunch of people in a group and I get the urge to get a flamethrower.

I don’t come by this dislike in a vacuum, either. I have worked a number of jobs where I have had to be in contact with a vast number and variety of folks. And people, as a rule, suck. They’re pushy and rude and slow and stupid (or overly smart) and they just… don’t pay attention, 90% of the time.

Knowing this, I tend to err on the side of extra-polite and obliging when dealing with working folks. I am nice to waiters, I am patient with cashiers, and I have no problem standing in a long line at Target because they only have 3 registers open.

(By the way, WTF, Target? EVERY time?)

It’s because I’ve been there, on that side of the desk. I know the frustrations that come with jobs of that type, and so I am more inclined to try to be the bright spot in someone’s day instead of the person they talk about during their lunch break. If people only knew how many conversations in my office or in the back room at Borders started with “Oh my god, this fucking guy.”

So, like I said, I am more than inclined to be patient when I’m the customer. 9 times out of 10, that patience is acknowledged and appreciated. That 1 time out of 10, however… is when I’m at the doctor’s office.

Now, here’s the thing. I have worked in a busy doctor’s office as the front desk lady. I FULLY understand what it’s like to have to constantly ask and answer the same questions over and over. It’s annoying and frustrating and not a little soul-crushing, at the end of the day. That particular doctor’s office nearly did me in, between the drunk Family Practice doctor and the wannabe Brazilian gangsta chick who also worked the desk with me. That girl was straight-up scary, but she only threatened me once. Then we had a nice talk about the availability of untraceable poisons (all bullshit bluffing on my part, of course) and she left me strictly alone after that.

But I digress.

Last week, I finally decided that I couldn’t fix the infection that was attacking my ear so I went to the doctor. I don’t go to the doctor all that often, because I am relatively healthy. So I’m not intimately acquainted with their flow of work, shall we say. When you go in, if you have a scheduled appointment, you are supposed to go to a certain window. If you are a walk-in and need to see a PA, you are to go to a different window. That’s what I did. However, apparently, if you catch someone at a VERY bad time, she tells you that walk-in PA appointments are “for emergencies only” and that I should maybe sit down and wait until she can find a free 15 minutes in some doctor’s schedule to have a look at me.

And boy, do I wish I’d taken a picture of that ear – it was amazing. I wasn’t aware that an ear that was twice it’s normal size and the color of a candy apple didn’t qualify as a goddamned emergency.

I mean, excuse the fuck out of me for interrupting you and asking you to DO YOUR FUCKING JOB.

*throws up hands*

Ohhhhh, I’m at the WRONG WINDOW, am I? I SEE.

Her obvious annoyance with me now knowing which of the 56 windows I was supposed to approach pissed me off. I GET IT, because I have been there, but she could have at least made a stab at hiding it. It was, after all, 9AM. Starting your day with that does not make for a fun morning, eh?

So, since my battlefield medicine had exactly zero effect on my ear, I went to the doctor this morning. I have a rant about the rudeness of the ladies working in the doctor’s office, but I’ll save that for another time. Perhaps tomorrow.

Anyway, the ear. IT HURTS. It’s gigantic. And red. And did I mention it’s fucking painful? I’m pretty stoic about a lot of things, but this was worrying me so off I went.

I’ve mentioned it before, but I am some kind of medical marvel. Nearly every time I go to the doctor for some acute issue (spider bites, sinus infection, etc), the doctor goes “…whoa.” And then he or she calls in all of the other doctors to come look at whatever it is that I’m presenting. Today was no exception.

Usually, the doctor looks at whatever I’ve got and explains the various solutions available. This is almost always reassuring and makes me feel like I over-reacted, which is something I WELCOME because I’d rather over-react than UNDER-REACT which is apparently what happened today.

The doctor took one look at my ear and said “Oh my God. I’m putting you on super-strong antibiotics, starting 30 seconds after you can get the prescription filled and if you don’t show any improvement within 48 hours, go to the emergency room and get yourself set up with some IV antibiotics.”

Um, okay then. That’s a new one.

So now I’m worried. I’m glad, ever so glad that I decided to hit up the doctor today and not just let it go (as is my habit), but I’m extremely worried that the abx won’t touch whatever this is and that I will end up in the fucking hospital. I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

In calmer news, it’s not that the infection itself is threatening to eat my brain or anything. Dr. M said that it’s because it’s on my ear, and ears aren’t the fleshiest parts of the body. So the infection is likely going to attack the cartilage, and that can be a serious uh-oh-bad. Which we don’t want. It won’t kill me, necessarily (and good thing, because that would be highly inconvenient for me, not to mention a huge bummer), but it could permanently incapacitate my ear. My response? “How would I know?”

I hate my ears. They failed me. And when something or someone fails me, I am not inclined to look kindly upon that entity.

I’ll probably be okay. I’m supposed to take my temperature every four hours and see if I start to run a fever. Fever of 99 or above = emergency room. Nausea or dizziness = emergency room. Shooting pains down my neck = emergency room.

Let’s just say that I am slightly worried and I NEVER worry about anything if I can help it.

The very goodest news is that I am supposed to be in the doctor’s office on Monday ANYWAY to start working on my knee(s). So Dr. M said I should definitely mention it to Dr. SportsMed, so he can give it a quick check and see that I’m progressing. Assuming, of course, that I am not in the hospital on Monday, which I do not have time for.

After we left the doctor, we headed to Wegmans (obviously) to fill the Rx. Because it’s me, and because nothing I am ever involved in is EVER straightforward (unless it’s to my detriment, in which case the universe is highly organized and efficient), Wegmans could only PARTIALLY fill my Rx. I mean, MY GOD. What the fuck is happening? At least they DID fill it, and I was able to choke down my first horse pill of the 10-day abx rodeo.

I do not like antibiotics. I do NOT. I never have a good time with them. Sure, they usually do what they’re supposed to, but one time my FORMER dermatologist prescribed an antibiotic to deal with my grody cystic acne and I thought she was trying to kill me. Normally, I’d go into detail and tell you what happened there, but it was SO GROSS, I’d rather not. I just don’t need people looking at me and going “ewww, THAT HAPPENED?”

The last time I was supposed to do a course of antibiotics, it was right before we left for Scotland and the pharmacist was all “no alcohol while you’re taking these” and I was all “oh, ha ha. Like I’m going to go to where whisky was fucking invented and not have any.” And I survived. But this is sort of serious so I will be good and do exactly what I’m told, even if that involves going to the emergency room if this thing doesn’t improve by Saturday morning.

I AM SO ANNOYED.

I should probably go to the doctor more often.

I don’t though, because I am fairly decent diagnostician and battlefield medic. I have a pretty good grasp of basic first aid and can almost always figure out what’s going on with me. I credit these skills to my two years as the secretary for the Butler University/Methodist Hospital Physician Assistant program. Just in typing up student materials, I learned SO much.

A few weeks ago, I had an “ooh shiny” moment at Target and bought some sparkly earrings. I have a grand total of six holes in my ears (4 in the left, 2 in the right), and once I find earrings that my body doesn’t react to, I tend to wear them until they literally fall out of my ears. It’s been awhile since the last group of earrings, and like I said, these were very sparkly.

Unfortunately, half of my earring holes did not get along with them. You’d think that if I were having a reaction, all six would swell and get grody and that would make SENSE, but that isn’t what happened here. Three of them are just fine and three are not. It’s stupid.

Anyway, my right ear was giving me particular trouble and even though I’d taken the earrings out a couple days ago, the right ear was still being shitty. I was alternating between dousing it with peroxide and slathering it with Neosporin until yesterday evening when it got super-painful and swollen all of a sudden. I can only assume that something bit me (not an outrageous supposition, given the wide variety of crawling things in the basement), but I am generally sensitive enough to know when something is crawling on my neck toward my ear.

Or not.

Luckily, I sleep on my left side, so it’s not like I was smashing the poor ear all night. It’s huge and red and because it’s so swollen, the structure of my ear is comically simple. Instead of the creases and folds that characterize my left ear, this is just a lump of curved flesh sticking redly out of the side of my head. It’s extremely attractive.

And PAINFUL. The ear itself is actually fine – it’s the lymph node below that is swollen and it hurts every time I move my head. It’s this swelling that caused me to google my symptoms and see just how quickly the internet thinks I’m going to die. Apparently, I am not. Dr Google suggested Tylenol and warm compresses, which is what the bulk of my day has been made up of.

Side note – just how does one keep a warm compress warm? It lasts all of two minutes.

At what point would a normal person go to the doctor? I suppose if the pain and swelling persists through the weekend, I should maybe go get it checked out. I’m not sure that I want to do that, though. It will just cost me money and the doctor will just prescribe antibiotics that I won’t take correctly anyway (because I never do). If I could just have my own Rx pad, that would be much more convenient.

I am notoriously bad at not finishing what I start. My personality is probably the biggest reason why. If you’re into astrology at all, I’m an Aries and we are well-known for being Starter Fiends.

I get bored easily. That’s one of the major reasons why I’m not currently a professional musician. I just never liked to practice, and not to toot my own horn (ha!), but I never really HAD to. I suppose if I had, things would be different now but ugh, so much work, haha.

Lately, though, I’ve been getting better at finishing things, if you don’t count knitting projects. I haven’t finished a knitting project in forever, and that sort of sucks but there are just too many other demands on my time/hands/brain at the moment. Plus, I’m really mad at the current project and until I can get over that, I am sort of stuck.

Late last year, I stated my goal to complete an Ironman before I turn 40. I have just over three years to get that done, and I’m confident that I will be able to do it. I’m frustrated at the moment because I am injured and I don’t yet know just how bad it is or what it will take to fix it. We find that out next Monday. But that Ironman goal is still a firm goal, and I am getting started FOR REAL next Monday.

The good thing is that there are lots of smaller goals that need to be achieved before that one comes on the horizon. Goal #1: fix the leg. Then start running.

In the spirit of smaller goals, I have decided to write something on this here blog every damn day. From Gillian’s Birthday 2012 to Gilligan’s Birthday 2013, I will write some kind of something here for the world (all three of you) to see. It might not always be interesting, and goodness knows it will probably be less coherent rather than more, but there will be something here. Every day. After I’ve had coffee.

I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be a challenging year for me. Maybe it will be challenging in a good way, but if the first 9 days are any indication, this is going to be tough. It’s already been tough to keep my head up, to keep going, to keep on keepin’ on. I’ve considered meditating, for fuck’s sake. Me! Meditating! Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous?

I probably won’t start doing anything so crazy as that, but I am working hard to keep all my plates spinning. I hope I don’t neglect my own self in the process of taking care of everyone else. I find it hilarious that this happens, since I spent years being told how selfish and ungrateful I am. Looking at things objectively, I’m not selfish so much as self-centered (there’s a difference! I swear!), and as for ungrateful… I never understood where that came from, and only in recent years have I come to realize that the person saying these things to me is (and has been) completely batshit crazy, and anything he says should always be taken with a huge grain of salt and a good hard look at the source.

So there’s that.

As far as writing goals go, I don’t really have one besides the ‘write every day’ one. I don’t know what I’ll write about or where it will all go, but I will write. For me.